A Letter To My Dad
What I would give to say these words to you in person.
I miss you so much. It’s like nothing I’ve ever felt before. The pain starts in my chest and quickly fills my entire body, giving me two options. Staying completely paralyzed as I absorb this feeling, or to let it out in sobs while my entire body convulses, as if it’s trying to literally exorcise this grief out of me.
It’s been about two months now. I’m slowly waiting for other emotions to take place. Denial, anger, anything. But I truly just feel sadness over how much I miss you. I keep crying to you to tell you that if you were to return, I wouldn’t even be mad about what happened, I’d just be so relieved that you came back to us.
There have been so many times that I just wanted to call you up real fast. To send you a video of my dogs. To tell you about the new whiskey I tried. Every night at 10:30 I just wait for your call. Knowing that was our time. For a quick chat on your work break. I’d pick up the phone and you’d either start with “How’s my Reb”, or “What are ya doooiiin” if we by chance missed each other the night before. We’d chat about anything and everything for a never long enough 15 minutes, then you’d leave me with a “give the kids a hug for me” aka my dogs and cat. It blows my mind I’ll never hear you say that to me again.
It’s more than those memories that I miss though. It’s everything you gave me with your heart. Everything you left me with in my heart. You never failed to let me know how proud you were of me. You made me feel unstoppable. Everything I did you celebrated. And when I was down, you helped me get on my feet so fast. Whether I was crying to you while I was in college over failing a test, or struggling because I was clearly the worst player on my basketball team at age 12, or being lonely after I moved to Oregon, or absolutely despising my new job that had me moving to Washington. You always listened and helped me in whatever way I needed.
You were so good at that. You always knew when I needed advice or just a shoulder to cry on. You just understood me perfectly like that. You got my humor too. I know I can sometimes be a bit too rough or harsh, or maybe crack a sarcastic joke at an inopportune time. But you always always laughed. And you had the best laugh too. You would tip your head back a bit as if to let the whole world hear that contagious sound. Thank you for sharing your laughter, especially when it was at one of my jokes. The world is a tough crowd with you not in the audience.
around you. Your heart kept us all going. Your heart would beat so strong for all of us, and I depended on that heart beat more than I’m sure I’ll ever realize. How could it possibly just fail like that? How could the heart that stayed up with me all night as our cat was sick, help me while I moved from state to state, listen to me as I cried over 25 years of nonsense, laugh with me as I tried to learn how to train my dogs, boost me up when I had nothing left to give, just fail? It just isn’t fair. I don’t think I’ll ever understand.
every bird I see I think is you. Every light beam that goes through our window is you. Every breeze as I walk outside is you. I keep expecting you to pop out behind every doorway I pass and say “who’s ready for a shot?” and crack a smile. You had so many people here on earth that love you so much. But I know you’ve lost so many people too. I know that while we are so sad without you, you’re so glad to be reunited them. I’m not sure where you went after you left this earth, but I know you’re happy, and I know you’re free, and I know you aren’t alone.
Since I can’t have you here with me, I’ll try to celebrate you in any way that I can. Whether that’s playing Lynyrd Skynyrd, or Pink Floyd, or Metallica a bit too loudly, or watching Tombstone or any John Wayne movie I can get my hand on. Every shot of Crown Royal I take will be a cheers to you. Every time I pick myself back up, I’ll know it’s because you taught me how. Every joke I crack will be because you made sure that I was comfortable being my true self. If I find myself watching a sunrise or a sunset, I’ll wave to you, knowing you’re somewhere on the horizon.
Every day I’ll try to be better for you. Some days are harder than others. And no day is easy. I wish you could be here to see me find my dream job, or get married, or to hold my babies, and just go through more life with me, but I’m grateful for everything you gave me. And I won’t take it for granted. You gave me so much in the short 25 years I got to have you. Thank you for that, and thank you for everything. I’ll always be your partner in crime.
Love, Reb.
